You Don’t Have “Bad Luck” With Men. You’re Just Attracting Low-Effort Men.

Most women don't realize it's happening at first. There's no dramatic breakup. No obvious red flag. No moment where everything explodes. It starts quietly.

A normal Tuesday night. You're in bed, lights off, phone glowing in the dark. You open your messages and stare at the last text thread. The last message is yours. Still unread. It's been six hours. You tell yourself he's probably busy. He has work. He's tired. You don't want to seem needy or "too much," so you don't double text. You just… wait.

And that's how it always begins. Not heartbreak. Not chaos. Just slow, almost invisible disappointment that stretches out over weeks, then months, then somehow… years. One day you look up and realize you've spent three years feeling unwanted by someone who never fully showed up. That's the part no one warns you about. Not the pain. The time.

Let's be honest for a second. Not Instagram honest. Not "I'm fine, I'm thriving" honest. Real honest. Your life looks good on paper. Your career is solid. Your finances are stable. Your friends respect you. You handle everything: the bills, the decisions, the hard days like an adult. You built something most people would be proud of. But love? Love feels like the one area where you suddenly feel small and confused.

You can negotiate contracts. Run teams. Move cities. Start businesses. But one inconsistent man can make you question your entire worth in a single week. And sometimes, late at night when everything is quiet, a thought creeps in that you would never say out loud: What if I end up alone forever? Not because you're unlovable. Not because you're not attractive or smart or interesting. But because you keep meeting men who like you, date you, sleep with you, talk about the future... but never actually choose you.

That fear (the one about wasting your best years on "almost" relationships) is the one almost every woman between 30 and 45 carries quietly. They just don't say it out loud.

I once had a client tell me her dating life felt like watching a psychological thriller unfold in slow motion. Not because anything dramatic happened — because nothing happened. No big fight. No betrayal. No clear ending. Just a slow, creeping realization that she had been giving her heart to a man who was never planning to protect it.

Her name was Lily. She was 37, successful, put-together, the "strong one" in her friend group. The woman everyone assumed had it all figured out. She didn't need a man. She just wanted a real partnership. She met someone and the chemistry was instant. He texted good morning. Called her beautiful. Talked about trips they'd take together. For the first time in years, she felt genuinely chosen.

Then, almost imperceptibly, things shifted. He stopped planning real dates and started suggesting "come over." He took longer to respond. He canceled last minute. Every time she tried to bring up where things were going, he said just enough to keep her from walking away. So she stayed. She told herself to be understanding. Chill. Easygoing. She didn't want to be "that demanding woman." She initiated more. She gave more. She bent more. Months passed. Then a year. Then almost two.

One night she called me crying in her car after work. Not because they broke up, because she suddenly realized something worse. He was never confused. He was never "not ready." He just didn't value her enough to show up. And she had quietly accepted crumbs for two years, hoping they would turn into something real. She said, "I don't even recognize myself anymore. I feel so desperate. And I hate that I feel that way."

That sentence broke my heart, because I've heard it from hundreds of women just like her. Not desperate for love, desperate for clarity. Desperate to stop wasting time on someone who was never going to meet them halfway.

You don't have bad luck with men. You're not cursed. You're not broken. You're not "too much." You are simply attracting low-effort men and accidentally giving them full access to you. That's it.

Low-effort men are not rare. They are not some unusual type you just happen to keep running into. They are the default. If you don't have strong filters and clear standards, they are exactly who shows up first... every single time. They love convenience. They go where access is easy, where they don't have to invest emotionally, where they don't have to prove anything or earn anything. And if you are kind, capable, independent, and "low maintenance," you accidentally make their life incredibly comfortable. You don't ask for much. You don't push back. You fill the emotional gap without ever demanding they meet you halfway.

Meanwhile, the men who actually lead, provide, and commit? They look for something different. They look for women with boundaries, standards, and self-respect. Women who aren't easily available to just anyone. Not because those women are mean or difficult, because they are selective. There is a massive difference between the two.

I didn't learn this from a book or a dating trend. I learned it the hard way, from my own life. I used to think being easygoing made me lovable. I genuinely believed that if I asked for less, I'd seem more attractive. More chill. More dateable. I thought if I just gave enough, supported enough, understood enough, eventually, a man would recognize what I was offering and choose to stay. But that's not how it works.

If you've been ghosted, if he truly disappeared on after weeks or months of what felt like something real, I want you to hear this clearly: that was not bad luck. That was a man making a choice. He chose his own comfort over your feelings. He decided the thirty seconds it would take to give you a real answer was more effort than he was willing to put in. That tells you everything you need to know about him — not about you.

Breadcrumbing works the same way. When someone keeps you just close enough to stay interested but never close enough to feel secure, it's easy to assume he's confused or figuring things out. He's not. He simply does not value you enough to be honest, and he does not value himself enough to do the right thing. Both of these patterns have one thing in common: you gave access before you saw effort. That is the single most important thing to change.

When my clients finally shift how they filter, when they stop rewarding access and start requiring effort, their entire dating experience changes almost overnight. Not slowly. Not after months of "working on themselves." Practically. Immediately. Suddenly, men plan real dates. They call instead of just texting. They invest time and thought. They show up consistently, without being chased or reminded. There is no more anxious waiting, no more "where is this going?" conversations, because the answer is already obvious from how he treats you.

One client of mine went from two years of on-again-off-again emotional exhaustion to meeting a man who was transparent about his intentions from day one. No games. No guessing. Just a man who decided she was worth showing up for, and then actually did it. That's not luck. That is what happens when you stop accepting less than you deserve and start expecting what you actually need.

You don't need to become someone else. You don't need to play games or become "hard to get" in some performative way. You just need to do three things consistently:

1. Watch effort before chemistry. Chemistry is easy, it happens in five minutes. Effort takes time, and it's the only thing that actually tells you who someone is. Before you get emotionally invested, ask yourself: is this person doing anything, or just saying things?

2. Set a boundary and see what happens. Not to test him, not to play games, but to see how he responds when something costs him something. A man who is serious will step up when you hold a line. A man who isn't will fade, disappear, or guilt-trip you for having needs.

3. Stop filling the silence. If he goes quiet, let him. If he doesn't come back, you have your answer and it's a good one. You already know where you stand. You just need to let yourself accept it.

Q: Does this mean I have to become cold or unapproachable to attract a good man?

No. Having standards and boundaries doesn't make you cold, it makes you someone worth pursuing. You can be warm, kind, and genuinely open to love while still requiring effort from someone before you invest emotionally. The two are not in conflict.

Q: What if I've already been with someone for months and I'm just now realizing this pattern?

It's not too late. Recognizing the pattern is the hardest part, and you've already done it. From here, you can start adjusting how you show up in the relationship. Sometimes that's enough to reveal whether the man you're with is actually willing to step up. Sometimes it's not. Either way, you'll have clarity, which is more than you had before.

Q: Isn't it unfair to judge a man based on how fast he moves?

Speed isn't the only factor, but it is a factor. A man who is genuinely interested doesn't need to be chased or reminded. He doesn't leave you guessing. He doesn't keep you waiting to see if you're worth his time. If someone consistently makes you feel uncertain about where you stand, that uncertainty is the answer.

Q: What if I'm the problem? What if I'm too intense or too needy?

Wanting consistency, honesty, and effort from a partner is not needy. It is the bare minimum. If a man makes you feel like your basic needs are "too much," he is not the right man for you, full stop. The goal is not to want less. It's to find someone who actually wants to give.

Q: How do I know when I've found a high-effort man?

It feels different from what you're used to. There's no anxiety. No guessing. No replaying conversations to figure out what he meant. He says what he means, does what he says, and makes you feel chosen without you having to earn it. If that sounds unfamiliar, if it sounds almost too easy, that's exactly why it's the right one.

You don't have bad luck with men. You've been accepting less than you deserve — and calling it fate. The men who are worth your time, your energy, and your heart do exist. But they are not going to chase you down while you're giving free access to every man who shows up with a smile and a text message. You have to change what you accept — not who you are. And once you do — once you stop settling for "almost" and start requiring "actually" — everything shifts. Not someday. Now.